Refugee Syndrome and Deferred Life Syndrome
Oculus Archive. First published on 13.06.2022.
Two very difficult themes that have now become acute for Ukrainians. There are stable social superstructures that society relies on, but that stop working in a critical situation. I will list some of them: belonging to a locality, belonging to a people, belonging to a culture, belonging to a social status, correspondence to the current situation, correspondence to public opinion, generally accepted moral values. All these categories work excellently when a person interacts with society.
In fact, they were created precisely for this interaction. But where in these categories is the person himself? Where is his personality, his needs, his desires, his hopes, his dreams, where is he himself? The person is not there, in these social superstructures, and cannot be there, because again, these are social superstructures, for society. And when a person remains one on one with his own trouble, he does not know how to act; he has no basis even for moral values.
Because society regulates whom to love, whom to hate, how to act, what is right and what is not. If You have no inner dilemma, and everything is clear to You, both on the personal and on the social level. You have no problem, you are socially adapted, and this post is not for You. But if inside You there are a million questions and You really do not understand where to look for a basis for them, let us reason further.
I had four big conversations with Croats who lived through a war, just as terrible as the one we are living through now. With one difference: they were alone, just like Syrians, Georgians, Moldovans, Chechens, Tatars, and others. Ukrainians are kissed by God in this respect, if we speak of global support. Each such conversation ended with words inside which one could feel inner pain and a desire to make a different choice in the past. Because everything passes; that is how time is arranged, that is the principle of its work.
The war will pass, and sorrow, and the joy of victory, as well as the bitterness of defeats. But on every segment of the path the person himself will stand; from this formula the person will never disappear anywhere. In order to understand how to act now, you need to move yourself into the future and regret your current choice, or, on the contrary, praise yourself for this choice. The word choice in this context is perceived as somehow abstract and impractical, because what choice is there during war? I want to focus Your attention on the fact that this choice is practical and very simple.
Either You make the choice yourself, or the choice is made for You. If You make the choice yourself, then prepare for enormous resistance from all sides; accordingly, You need to have a great deal of inner strength in order to decide for yourself how You should act. If you feel that there is no inner strength, that there is no desire to make a choice, that you want everything to become simpler and more understandable, as it was before. Then in that case You do not make the choice; others choose instead of You.
Perhaps this is for the better, perhaps You would have done worse on Your own, but it would have been You who did it, and if anything, it would have been Your mistake; but if You accept someone else's choice, then in this case it does not matter whether it is right or not. What matters is that it is not Yours, and what matters is that You are not living now. You have postponed your life until later, You have postponed your choice until later. Then in the future You will certainly have disappointment, because You did not live, you followed something. And of course someone will be to blame: the damned war, the state, the cowardly West, or someone else, but of course not You, only not You.
After all, You simply trusted, You are simply obedient and follow someone else's choice.
I intentionally do not give concrete examples; I intentionally focus attention on only one fact: making a choice independently. And these words very vividly illustrate what is happening in raseya. This is what happens when a person does not make his own choice and does not take responsibility for his actions. Yes, Ukrainians are in a different situation. But the fact that each person still does not make his own choice is common.
What is good, and what is bad? Seemingly unambiguous concepts. But if you know, at the moment of an airplane crash the oxygen mask must first be put on yourself, and only then on the child or the wounded person. In ordinary life one must sacrifice oneself; in a crisis situation one must first save one's own life, if it is in danger, and only then help everyone else. Strange as it is, it is the same for the military. If You and someone nearby are wounded, first help yourself, and then the one nearby. Because if you do the opposite, no one will survive.
In the case of the airplane, the child will not be able to put on the mask independently, and if the parent loses consciousness, both will die. Therefore one must do the opposite. The same situation applies to a wound: if You are wounded and You did not help yourself, but began to help someone else, You may lose consciousness before You render aid, and both also die. A very simple conclusion from the dilemma of what is good and what is bad during war. First save your own life, come back to normal, create an island of safety; after that, help the others.
But more often, a person uses social superstructures and believes that helping oneself is a manifestation of selfishness, and therefore rushes into the sacrificial fire out of a feeling of guilt. If You act the same way, You are not helping anyone; Your sacrifice will be in vain. There are enough sacrifices in war; let us stop sacrificing ourselves for nothing.
When You have made your choice and acted selfishly from a social point of view, there should be a hurricane of emotions inside You, and You are afraid to offer help, because You are afraid that it will not be accepted, that You will be called selfish or something else. The stupidity of such reasoning is that the one who needs help simply cannot reject it, and the one who rejects it in fact does not need help. Look for someone else whom you can help, if You had enough strength to help yourself.
If You helped yourself and do not want to help anyone, the reasons do not matter; you do not want to because you do not want to. This is also Your choice; perhaps in the future Your attitude will change and You will help a greater number of people, since you spent today's strength on becoming stronger. Or this may not happen at all, but such is Your choice; perhaps it is right, perhaps not, but it is Yours. This life is Yours; live it independently, with all the pros and cons.
The other extreme. Everything has been done correctly, according to social superstructures: the money has been given away, the food too, only the necessary minimum of clothing remains. The soul is warm and good, I am a great fellow. This is an illusion: after a short period of time You will need help, You will need money and food, as well as clothing and other essential things. And again, having received help, You will immediately give it away, so to speak, share it. And after a short interval You will need help again, and You will come back to the same place where You were helped the first time.
But You will be put at the end of the line, because help had already been given to You before. And Your feeling of pride in yourself will be replaced by anger and a feeling of injustice. How can this be, I did so much for others, who will help me now, I am in need? And such a person will begin to look for the guilty. And all because help is not a continuous flow, like a salary or love. Help is an opportunity to help someone begin to take care of himself independently, to gather strength, so that later he can join the line of those who help, not those who need help.
Help is because You did not cope on your own. You made the wrong choice at a certain moment, or did not make a choice when it was necessary. And do not dare demand help; You have no right to it! The strong help the weak precisely when they have managed to take care of themselves. If You do not know how or do not want to do this, then evolution will destroy Your DNA as nonviable. Strong DNA survives, a weak genetic code perishes. Any crisis is aimed at conducting this natural selection. You disagree, you do not want it, you do not like it.
Someone owes You something - that means the crisis will destroy You. This is cruel, but that is why it is a crisis: to be cruel.
A simple conclusion: In a crisis, your survival and Your strength are important; this is its essence. This is the essence of life - to live it, not to await a turning point and complain about fate, which You yourself do not want to control.